I suffer from depression but i refuse to take medication because its just a mask for what I'm really feeling, and I know when I run out its five days until i'm back to myself.
On days when I have to wake up and go to school, I dread what the day holds for me. The snide remarks, laughing voices of my peers. Its destroying me. I'm alone. Content. But I'm miserable. I look forward to the weekend even if I'm alone because I don't have to truly face the world. I rarely have plans...I don't usually make them because they get shot down.
I constantly feel like I have to beg my friends to want to hang out with me...I cry often over it...over everything.
Going home everyday is the best part.
I do what I'm told. Chores, homework, and any other. I fall asleep, and most nights I pray that I don't wake up ever again.
I'm attention starved, and I look for it anywhere from anyone...I'm a threat to myself...I often have urges to go out and get high, drink, or have sex...maybe all thinking maybe it will for a second make me not care. (I never do I just sit at home rotting in self pity)
I find my disregard for my own life appalling. And it makes me hate myself even more.
Not to long ago there was a close call with a semi and my car...there were other people with me...after i sat and thought if I would have been alone I probably would have let my foot slip off the break.
I'm in need of help. But I don't like talking about it because I don't like people seeing me cry.
I love other people. My friends, and my family. But I can't say that much about how I feel for myself.
Its a miracle I'm still alive.
Truly.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment